Click It

Yeah...right.

2005-07-28T23:39:57Z

Things have really sucked lately. Nothing has been good, and even if it was, how I feel won't allow me to notice it. I feel so trapped, but I also feel excluded and unwanted from just about everyone around me. No one cares...no one cares. I need out, but I have no where to go. I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone to turn to. Things just keep building up and I've grown weak. These things are breaking me down and I'm crumbling apart; and no one cares.
All I do lately is cry. I was out of it for like a day and a half after I finally talked to someone, Suzi, but he brought me back under it. I was working diligently on all my summer assignments, being normal, not constantly being sad. That was until he started screaming at me and grabbed me and threw me out of my chair. I ran downstairs, and tears just streamed from my eyes. From frustration, from anger... I wanted to slam doors and cuss and scream. I actually kinda hit him when he grabbed me. I sat balled up in a corner for about an hour and no one cared to notice. I condisered running up to my room, grabbing a few things, and leaving. Then I realized I have no one to call, and no where to go. What a great realization... I heard myself whispering, "I'm all alone, no one loves me..." Then I remembered, God loves me. I started praying and I felt a little better. I definately calmed down, wasn't as hysterical.
I keep begging Him to show me what I'm supposed to do, where am I supposed to go? I've been trying to make Him proud of me, and I just keep getting hurt by everyone. I guess I can't really give up, my trials will soon lessen and all will be ok. I just pray that it happens soon.
The only one I have is someone whom I've never seen.

I cry too many tears,
I'm way too sad,
All this pain and heartbreak is due
to the lack of a better dad

Can I go now?

2005-07-21T20:27:34Z

I don't want to be here. I feel myself pulling away from everyone and everything, and I don't really care.

Oh so tired...

2005-07-16T04:26:48Z

So soccer camp was awesome. I just realized today that the soccer element isn't the only reason I loved it so much. I mean, solely focusing on soccer for 5 days, that's insane, I loved it. But also, it was an escape from all this crap that's going on. Stuff at home isn't that great. Don't know if it's been worse before. I'm trying so hard to get along with my dad, but it's not working. He seems to like yelling, and cussing, and arguing, and making me cry. I was driving us to Waldorf today and he randomly starts just yelling and cussing at me. I took it, I can't believe it, but I just sat there and took it. I almost turned around though, but I figured he'd start yelling more, so I just sucked it up. I think he saw that I started crying when I was trying to drive, and he didn't do anything. I don't know what the hell his problem is.
What am I supposed to do? I'm giving the effort, I'm trying so hard. Why isn't it working?
"I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not"
Not to mention there's a huge thing with my mom. What do I have at home? It's so messed up, I'm ready to get out. Going to college isn't going to be as hard for me as I thought before. I just don't want to deal with their bs anymore. If they come up asking me questions to be the tie breaker of their stupid fight one more time, I swear Ima kirk! "You two need to grow the hell up!" I need to get out, I need to stay out.
I want to go back to camp. It wasn't long enough. I feel totally lazy right now, so disgusting. haha, I feel disgusting now, how funny considering I was running around for a few days just reaking, my shirts being sweated thru, lol [we all were]. I miss soccer, I miss my teammates from the camp, I miss all the people, I miss waking up at 7:00 in the morning to go meet my cafe crew: Jenna, Cat, and Franny [not to mention Bethany my roommate], I miss how my abs hurt taking the mile long walk to the field, I miss being totally exhausted at the end of the day, I miss the warm water I had to drink, I miss how vital Gatorade was, I miss my fruit salad at every meal, I miss that grumpy card-swiper lady, I miss my room key, I miss not having to wear normal clothes, I miss being strictly a soccer chick, I miss walking around in my sandals, soccer shorts, and a white tee, I miss it all; I wish it weren't over. I miss the simplicity...
It was my escape and I didn't even realize it. Music has begun to lose it's meaning to me, it's no longer comforting. Wow, what an unbelievable thought. I can't wait til I'm driving, I can't wait to get my job...I can't wait til soccer starts, I can't wait til I buy my car, I can't wait til all this is behind me. I think I'm almost ready to grow up.

frenchie11 @ 2005-07-06T14:13:00

2005-07-05T18:16:04Z

This is the first time when the only person I can turn to is God. I've never felt that before, and while it's scary, I guess that's the light in my dark day.

frenchie11 @ 2005-05-24T23:55:00

2005-05-25T03:56:31Z

Things aren't ok, but I don't know what to say. I couldn't even tell you what isn't ok.

Why is she the favorite?

2005-05-02T02:59:48Z

I don't understand. Someone please penetrate my "stupidity" and explain this to me.
Why is Alecia the favored one? She's so friggin spoiled, "dad" doesn't mess with her, she can be a total [I won't even say] and he just gets annoyed, you pay for her school where she goofs off, you buy her clothes, you gave her a tv, she gets what she wants on a whim.
I've been buying a ridiculous majority of all of my own clothes since 7th grade. If I didn't have the money, it didn't matter to you, that just meant no new clothes, no new things. All she says is she has no money and you go and spend $200 time after time again on her. It'd take atleast a year to calculate you spending $200 on things for me.
She's sad, the world is over. You see how hurt I am and you walk away. You can yell at me, but Lecia does no wrong. It didn't matter when she got a D on her report card, but I was shunned for a week when I got my first C. She doesn't even get a 3.0 when she's barely scrapping by on that, and it doesn't matter. I drop to a 3.29 and everything is quetioned.
You begin paying for her school and you're all over her school work, telling her how proud you are, helping her study.
You were always too busy to help me, never showed much interest in how I did as long as it met expectations. When it didn't meet your standards I'd get in trouble, but wasn't given any assistance.
You didn't care when you knew for months that I wasn't eating. You saw that I was losing weight because I wasn't eating, and you encouraged it a little.
You actually have the nerve to call me stupid all the time, I don't understand this.
Why on earth do you both tell me how I know nothing because I'm not old enough, that money doesn't grow on trees, that you don't always get what you want!!?? I'm one person who definately doesn't need to hear that BS! I know the value of money, I worked for almost 8 months while playing two varsity sports and maintaining an honor roll GPA while dealing with all your shit! Don't always get what we want? I want parents who are there for me, I want people to care, I want you to recognize and be thankful for the lack of things I ask you for because I know that you have a hard enough time as it is. You should be thankful for me, a 15 year old putting up with a bunch of crap from your husband, and then being your shrink as you cry in your depression because you don't know what to do. Be thankful that I take care of things when you can't. Be thankful that I take care of you when you're broken, that I've stepped into a role way beyond that of an average person my age. That I bring so much pressure and stress on myself for your benefit. That the main reason I got a job was to support you when you told me you'd leave him if you had financial support. That I ask for little to nothing other than some attention and love, and I don't whine when I don't get it. That I ask for more responsibility and don't go and find my own way to get what I want. That I don't smoke and drink, that I don't steal cars, that I don't go off and drive on my own illegally. All that crap you did! But it's different? Things seem pretty simular.
Let's see, the favored child is so spoiled, you get attacked by one of the parents, and sometimes both, you had to take care of yourself, you weren't appreciated for any of your efforts. But let's talk about the differences. You stole things, you drove illegally for 5 years taking other people's cars, you smoke, you cursed so much. You didn't get a job as soon as you turned 15 so that you had no free time, and as soon as your 18 hour working weekend was over, you were so overwhelmed that you felt cramped, crowded, exhausted, and after all that you didn't have to come "home" to a bunch of BS you call a family, a home. You didn't go to school, have 2 hour practices everyday, then work all weekend, wake up at 6 am, go to bed at 12 am so you could finish your work.
You think you had it bad, you don't even realize that you're putting me into your position, but you did things to deserve the mistrust, I DIDN'T!
What the hell do you want me to do?? I've tried having a 4.0, that didn't work, getting a job was a hassle for you, playing sports, having good friends, asking for so little, not being like the typical person my age.
Why is everything I do inadequate for someone? I'm asking this of so many things and people: What do I have to do?

Hey you smokin up your sorrow, just pointing fingers @ some1 2 blame

2005-04-25T18:30:41Z

So, chances are you've heard me talk about Jon. I feel so silly talking about him, but I can't really help it, cuz I can't help but to think of him. Right now, as confirmed a few times a day, we're just friends. I'm definately hoping that things develop to be more.
"I feel safe with you, I can be myself tonight, It's alright with you, Cuz you hold my secrets tight, You do"
I dunno, I'm definately excited by the prospect, but kinda scared that it's not gonna happen. Cuz I'm already putting so much on this, what if nothing comes of it?? Of course I'll be fine, I'm always ok. I'll just be a little broken.
**Pick me up because I'm falling for you...**
Right now, it seems that what I'm hoping for is pretty realistic, but you never know. Maybe I'm losing my mind and I'm just seeing what I want to see, thinking what I want to think. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

On another note...I'm completely bombing chemistry. Dude, math and science so aren't my areas, and hey, I'm basically in a math and science program. We got back 3 tests/quizzes today, didn't do hot on a single one. I failed each of them. My highest grade was a 50%! And while my failing cannot be excused nor justified, she's a terrible teacher, and she just confuses me, add in my lack of interest in science and you have a combination destined to barely get me a C, like last quarter. That's not good. I plan on doing some crucial studying tonight. Getting myself together. Whether it actually happens is even unknown to me. I need to study Chem, Alg2Trig, and for my World History test that I'm not even going to take tomorrow, but I need to study this because it's boring thus I don't remember much of it right now. I really thought that I was going to be getting great grades this year, I thought that I had a new found interest in school, and that my study/work habits were going to improve. Well, my work habits weren't bad last year, I didn't study, and I had poor attendance. This year my work habits are questionable, I study a little more, and I have better attendance.
Grades like I have with the lack of motivation that I currently have are not going to get me where I want to go. I want to go to University of Maine, I want to play soccer for their team, I want to live in a dorm and have an awesome experience. I don't want to rely on my parents for tuition, but I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. I DEFINATELY DON'T WANT TO SETTLE!!! So I need to get my act together, I just wish I would have had this revelation earlier in the year before I really started screwing up my GPA. Right now it's probably low 3.4s, high 3.3s. Without awesome grades next year, I won't get it up to 3.5 so I can be invited into National Honor Society, and even though I still don't get the point of it, it looks good on a college application.
Well time to go, au revoir!

For an AMAZING friend of mine...

2005-04-23T02:45:00Z

I just had a great night with the one and only Agnes. We went to church, for something that suprised us both, but I enjoyed a lot. Lots of laughing, and it was just great. I'm truely happy to say that I got to share my first church experience with her.
But dude, I just got home, and the first thing I do is hug my mom and start crying. She asks what's wrong and it takes me a minute but I tell her: I'm just really going to miss Agnes.
Girl, you are by far one of the best friends I have, and one of the best people I've ever met, and I can easily say that I am truely blessed to have met you. Like I told you in that letter, I really do look up to you, and no one could ask for a better role model. You are one of the few who have truely helped me in deveolping my faith, and for that, I am eternally greatful. You're always there to listen to me, and you always have the warm smile to help me out even when you're not having the best day yourself. I'm really comfortable around you, and I can't imagine next year without you.
You're going to have a great time at Towson, and since I should be driving, I definately plan on visiting you sometime. Of the many times I've told people to keep in touch, I truely mean it with you, because in life, God only gives us so many true friends, and you're one that He gave me, and I'll never forget you.
haha, as you were driving me home tonight I told you how change isn't my friend, here's a good example. I like how things are now, but I know things will only continue to get better for you, and I wish you all the best.
I hope that one day I can be as friendly as you, as loved as you, as faithful as you, as talented as you, and as smart as you.
Love your friend,
Erika

I AM...

2005-04-05T03:13:33Z

*tired of being alone
*tired of feeling lonely
*tired of having no one to talk to
*tired of no one being around
*tired of stupid judgements/comments
*tired of not beging good enough

~striving to bring up my grades...for me
~striving to get better at softball...for me and my teammates
~striving to not be so pressed over a particular person
~striving to have someone to spend my time being pressed over
~striving to always remember the good, but not forget the bad...but overall...to continue to grow

~*~I want to be able to move onto the future, and release my death grip on the past.

softball...today, AHH

2005-03-04T19:17:45Z

Last day of tryouts...Will I make the cut?? Hmm, sure do hope so. It hasn't been very hard, I really thought I'd be run to my death this week, but, my predictions have been proved false. Hopefully it'll get intense next week, cuz we have a game coming up, and I certainly don't want to go out there and embarrass my school. Also I like pushing my limits, cuz they're no where close to where I seem to think they are. I've been pushed there and past my limits, and yeah I might be sore for two weeks [lol] and barely be able to walk into the house afterwards, but once all that's over...it's all sunshine! So yeah...it's a pretty day, hopefully it'll warm up a little more, and it'd be close to perfect. I'm out!
-Erika
~leaves with dreams of another varsity team...~

aww

2005-03-01T19:53:43Z

david called me fat :sad:

::eye roll::

2005-02-12T17:29:34Z

Reading over what I just wrote a few days ago, and remembering how I thought things were, I feel like such a fool.
I hope that you don't deny the truth and come out clean, otherwise...I'm not sure if we can be friends anymore.
Forget you!

You make me wanna LaLa

2005-02-10T19:05:30Z

Softball was fun yesterday. Not looking forward to caterpillars and running up that steep hill, but I am looking forward to using my glove.

*~*I miss you when you're not around because I know that if no one else, that you can brighten up my day. When you are here, I just want to move closer, and stay there.*~*
This seems too serious, and like too much, however it's true.
My impatience is annoying...ugh.

$$$

2005-02-10T00:00:48Z

I was just talking to Agnes about this earlier, and of course it comes up later. Why on earth is money so important? I just don't understand. With my parents, if the issue of money comes up, you can easily see my frustration. They just waste their money and didn't even think ahead. In the car tonight I'm talking to my mom, how I should be driving in September, and asking, will I be paying for everything on my own? And she finds the thought of me having a car is ridiculous. Whatever. She gets so pissed off when I ask her to take me somewhere, and makes me feel horrible asking her to take 15 minutes out of her day, 3 times a week, to pick up her terrible, bratty daughter from either soccer or softball practice. I mean somebody shoot me! I don't belong on this earth, I'm so terrible!!! Then I suggest, how about you and dad each lay aside $20 a month into a bank account to help me with my car and college? "Why do you think I'm made of money Erika?"
"I think you're made of money? Is that why I got my own job and buy most of my own stuff, is that why you've been better off without having to take care of me, is that why I don't ask you to buy me things?? ...I need to stop there."
If neither of you are made of money, how are you able to waste all that money on shit as stupid as cigarettes!???? How does dad buy a 4 wheeler, a trailor, LAND in LaPlata, a snow plow for his 4 wheeler, and a car port??? How do we have 2 expensive cars, and another one, when one of the nice ones aren't even driven? How do we have a pool? How do we have property? How do we have that nice boat? How are you going to Cancun????
But I'm such a hassle. I mean...I go to school 5 days a week, have 3 days of practice, and work on the weekends. Rarely do anything for myself. I have this job cuz of my mom. She led me to believe that she'd leave my dad if she had some financial support. So I got a job, and nothing has happened. Neither of you planned ahead, you didn't do anything! Instead your 15 year old daughter already has a job, and she's still gonna be stuck with no way to get around, two lazy parents who don't care about her, and no way to go to college.
Now I'm upset. This bs always hurts. It's just so hard for me to realize that my PARENTS don't care enough about me to do this vital stuff for me....

And just a few days away is...

2005-02-09T19:22:36Z

Valentine's day is quickly approaching. It's all good, but a little sad. I want one of those teddy bears that I saw in WalMart, or a rose. Aww I love roses and teddy bears. But really it's not about that, I want someone who cares, I miss it. I figure it's worth waiting, but I still wish that it were sooner instead of later. Valentine's Day makes me think of Bethany and Chris. I miss him :sad:, he rocked.
I want to have a Valentine for the first time ever, but oh well...it's all good. I'm good.
->I'm like so freaking out cuz it's so quiet. My cd player died, and there's no sound on my computer, and no one to talk to. Aww
I have softball today, and like I so don't wanna go. It wasn't fun like soccer is. I loved playing yesterday. It was all pretty outside, and I just love soccer :heart: :smile:. I pray that I never have a bad experience with soccer again, I love it too much.

**-**You know who this is to.
I need you to make up your mind, but if it takes more time for things to go my way I'll wait. Don't wanna rush you, I know it sux. Just...yeah, I'll talk to you later, and I'm not bringing it up, I don't wanna feel like I'm annoying you.
-Erika

In an Ashlee Simpson mood :happiness:

2005-02-07T19:14:06Z

dude read these lyrics
they're here for a reason
Undiscovered
Ashlee Simpson

Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips
You miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave
Excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder: I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away

Touch me now, how I wanna feel something so real
Please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing
I'm suffocating without you
Do you feel it too?

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder: I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away

When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door
It's then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder: I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
Yeah I need you

Cuz I can't fake
And I can't hate
But it's my heart that's about to break
You're all I need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please

I give in
I brethe out
I want you
There's no doubt
I freak out
I'm left out
Without you, I'm without
I'm crossed out
I'm kicked out
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away

Lyrics that must be mentioned:
~All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
~Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing
I'm suffocating without you
Do you feel it too?
~When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door
It's then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone
~~and everything from that point on

What this song means???
This is a story of a girl who lost the guy she loved; but things aren't over. The feelings are still there, and definately the memories. She misses the guy so much, and whether or not it's over for him, there's someone else, or he's scared of what could happen...it's just sad. I dunno. I love this song.
"Don't walk away" speaks to me
"I want you, there's no doubt" & "Without you, I'm without"...

There's a reason I put lyrics on my sites people. You all know the story, make the connection.

Hey hey

2005-02-04T19:30:48Z

Hey. So I haven't written in awhile. Now there's definately stuff to write about, but the person it's about reads this from time to time, and if they read it before I speak to them, they'll be hurt. I'll just leave it at this:
~Your indecisivness is gonna tear me apart.~
But yeah, soon the countdown until the Ashlee Simpson concert will be starting. With her season 2 premiering last week I'm even more excited, especially after seeing her perform a few times last night. I can't wait. I just gotta figure out how I'm getting there and who's coming with me. lol, If I hafta I'll go alone and take the bus, in fact, dude, I'd walk. I'm gonna hafta like miss most of school that day cuz I wanna get there early for the chance of maybe meeting her. People ask me why I like her, and I mean, her music rocks, and she's just totally cool and real. She's like any average person walking down the street, with a killer sense of style, and she's so funny. Then she goes with Ryan Cabrera, cool points to both of them, cuz they're both so cool.
"Here, here I am again
and I'm starin at these same four walls
Alone again
And now, all the colors blend
And I'm growing up
And I've become this empty page
Hold on it's tragic
Stumbling through all this static

I just wanna talk to you
My broken heart just has no use
I guess promises are better left unsaid [yeah]
But everytime you try to tell me
YOu say the words that I'm the only
But I"m the one that's crawling on the ground
When you say 'Love Makes The World Go Round"

Why Don't You Love ME?

2005-01-16T22:27:16Z

I really don't understand. It wasn't even him this time, in fact, it was her. She actually said:"NO I don't love you, I don't love you, I don't even like you!!!"

->I think my mom has said that to me before, and even though it was always a joking matter, you don't joke about things like that.
This time it just hurt so bad.
I was tryin to hug her cuz she was being grumpy and she was like hitting me, but I wanted her to chill out so I kept trying to hug her. And she's like: "Why won't you leave me alone?" And I reply: "Because you love me" and then...yeah.
My smile just dropped and I turned around cuz at first I laughed, but then it just crashed on me...I went back to my room, curled up as tight as I could, and sat there just like...whoa. Bethany came in asking what happened, and I couldn't speak. Then she was like: "Your mom hurt your feelings?" And I mutter a yes, but I couldn't explain to her what it was that hurt. She walked out and tears just streamed down my face, and my mom...she never said a word.
You see...my first reaction is to say it's ok cuz she was joking. But then a minute after that thought passes through my mind, I don't believe it.
What can I say??? It just...hurts

Not mad, just...dissappointed

2004-12-30T23:36:50Z

There goes my New Years down the drain. I've been looking foward to it since last year. Ugh. Like no one is coming. Just Bethany, and maybe, possibly, probably not Autumn.
The only thing that got to me is that I asked him how long ago, and yeah, he said it's gonna be a maybe all the way thru, he might go to his friend's house. Come to find out, the day before he's going to Natee's. She probably just called today. Ok yeah, she's his girlfriend and how terrible would it be for him to say, "I'm going to Erika's"? But still...I was looking forward to it.

Wow...I'm "home"

2004-12-29T01:14:10Z

So I get home, see a letter from USAA. I try to open it [with my dad yelling at me in the background while I'm already POed at him]. So I get it opened and it's saying that I went over $75 on my card...uh oh! haha, I call to figure out what the entire thing is sayin and they're like, don't worry about it, we gave you $100. I'm like, where did the money come from? hahahaha my dad's Visa card!! When the lady told me that I started laughing evily. I always considered doing that just to spite him, but this caught me by suprise. It only happened cuz 2 checks were deposited at the wrong times. One too soon, one too late. So I debate it: Do I tell him now and write him a $100 check considering I have more than that now? or Do I wait until he gets his bill and see if he notices that charge? I really wanted to go with option #2, but I'm like, I already screwed up, I need to take responsibility. I go down there, knowing that hell is around the corner. But he starts yelling, and he's like I can't use my card. My mind is saying: "Damn I'm not, how are YOU gonna stop me?" He's like write checks, write checks. Forget him. Pleez. I truely despise talking to him, seeing him, living with him, knowing that he's my father.... Ok, I'll be more carefull with it, but I'm not gonna stop using my card. I don't like showing my dad when I'm wrong because he dwells on it to prove how "irresponsible", "immature" and "stupid" I am. Oh well, I'm out in 2 and a half years. Countdown began 4 years ago.
So yeah...Sunday, what a day. First of all, I didn't want to go to work. I had to drag myself out of bed. Then at like 11:00 I did the stupidest thing ever. I don't want to write anymore. Maybe later

Such a Merry Christmas?????

2004-12-25T14:54:51Z

Hey hi. So yeah...stuff I wrote about previously, still on my mind.
I never wrote about the guy I met from work. Walter [he so needs a nickname], yeah everything was cool, then he when crazy pressed on me, and now he's a bit annoying, but I've been waiting for this for too long...I can't mess it up.
Ugh, I'm just crazy frustrated now, and that sux, cuz it's Christmas, my favorite day of the year, the best feeling immaginable. But not even Christmas can drive me to pretend that I love my dad this year. Last year it was all good cuz I didn't even hafta see him...but ugh, he seems to be going out of his way to annoy me. That man actually had the nerve to call me stupid when I asked him a perfectly reasonable question. Who the hell is he to talk about stupid? He's the dumbass that only graduated high school because of the military program. He's the dumbass who's first wife left him. He's the dumbass who's "family" doesn't even like him. Gosh...
"I don't wanna live like my father"~Smile Empty Soul
Ok, my Christmas isn't ruined, but dude...did he really hafta call me stupid, AGAIN??
Thankfully my mom didn't do what she usually does. Buys a bunch of cheap, ugly stuff in two different colors and give them to me and Lecia. I actually got some cool stuff. Only thing I'm missing is that American Eagle giftcard I need. She got me an Aeropostale one, and I don't even shop there anymore...but whatever, I'll find sumthin. I guess I'll just hafta spend all of my own money on that stuff from American Eagle. I just want a pair of jeans and that jacket that I love. Yeah it's gonna be like $80, but whatever.
I'm seriously considering quitting my job. It's getting boring and annoying. It's becoming a hassle. Mr.Mohsen promised me that once he hired all those new people I'd get new hours, and he told me that I'd have Christmas off. I'm still waking up at 6am every weekend, and he somehow "forgot" that he gave me off, and he was expecting me today. I'm scared to go in there tomorrow morning. Ok, I'm fully justifed in not coming in today, but he doesn't care. I'm worried that I'll get fired, but then I'm reassured on my hopes that he knows that he needs me. But then again, maybe he doesn't. Then I would have never gotton my raise...:sad: But I've saved enough money. Atleast I hope so. I miss having some free time to myself, being able to sleep in; but then again, I still can't stand being at home with nothing to do. I don't want my dad to think that he was right. Me quitting or being fired would give my "father" too much pleasure. I hate when he writes me cards. He always writes something that I know is so fake, and I'm just tired of hearing.
"I hope that soon we can get back together soon!!! I miss you!!! I love you always, with all of my heart Dad"
That's some freaking BS. You show me how much you "love me" when you call me stupid and insult me on a daily basis. You show me how you've loved me with your entire heart as you slammed me into walls and told me that you didn't care if I died!!! You love me because you've caused me more pain in this world than any other person ever has. You love me because I used to cry myself to sleep everynight because of the shit you'd say to me! You say you love me when you weren't even around to raise me! You loved me when you told my mother that she was a bad mother because she was going to college!!!!!! You love me when you spend thousands after thousands of dollars on hunting and fishing shit instead of saving a damn dime for me to go to college. You love me when you tell me I'm not good enough! when you tell me how "pathetic" I am, when I'm told how much of a "disappointment" I am!!!!!!!!!! Is that what love is??? If that's love then I want to be the lonelist person on this earth. If that's love, I without a second thought want you out of my life!!!
In my dream the other night, I remember one thing: my mom told me that they were going to get divorced. And I was just happy...
~~"and what did you expect
a perfect child
raised by TV sets
abandoned every mile
we never get respect
never a fair trial
and no one gives a ****
as long as we smile"~~
"i can't believe the way you took me down
i never saw the pain
coming in a million broken miles
like poisen for my veins

the hate and the fear
the nightmares that wake
me up in tears
the nightmares and the hate and the fear"

I'll be the one you miss the most, but you'll only find my ghost

2004-12-24T00:11:33Z

"So thankyou for showing me that bestfriends cannot be trusted."
So, today=ugh. I chose to come to school today, my mom actually asked me not to.
"One more day with you...Everytime I see your face, everytime you look my way, it's like it all falls into place, everything feels right, ever since you walked away and left me in disaray, all I wanted, all I need, is one more day with you"
First period was beyond boring. Ms.Winfrey wouldn't let me play spades [one of the two reasons I came to school today :sad:] Second period I sat in Adkins room as usual, not saying a word the entire time cuz they were playin Trivial Pursuit, and Brian was on the other side of the room. Third period, went to Guinn and played spades [finally], Shannon W was my partner, haha. Fourth Brian came to Holloway [I'm out of his class btw] and we all played spades. He was bein really quiet, I'm still not sure whatsup. Fifth...we went to Barbarich and played spades again.
~I never noTiCeD he is such a fLirT~
Sixth, went to Lifsey and did nothing. David seemed a lil happier when Nesa started talkin to him. I dunno how she got him to laugh. But dude, I feel bad for Natalie cuz I know her situation, and ugh...it sucks.
So the reason my day was blah...
For some reason, I thought today being a half day would make it like the pointless days in school of the past, as in stuff with me and Brian. Ugh ::eye roll:: I don't even know what to say. I knew what's been going thru my mind for the past like 2 weeks...I just thought it was going thru his mind too. Oh well...yet again I'm pulled back in, but I'm lost alone.
I've been considering going for it anyways [ok, this doesn't make sense, only to me]. But I couldn't do that to him, and dude, couldn't handle the possible rejection or awkwardness. Still the thought is on my mind, and I'm still contemplating.

Agnes I hope you have a great time in Texas. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

"...I don't know what to do, all I know, is that I want to be with you"
-Erika

Can you say ugh?

2004-12-14T01:34:11Z

So last week, ugh...I was like whoa all week. I was reading about SAD in my magazine. It's seasonal affective disorder. I think it's possible I might have it, cuz I get sad like whoa in winter time, but I mean, I'm not a doctor, I'm not diagnosing myself. But I was just blah like whoa all week.
It might be because of being out of shape, and the obvious effects of being out of shape that I don't want to say. That's probably it.
Tj's gonna be ok. They still don't know what happened, but nothing came up negative on his brain scan. Omg, he had to wear a heart monitor for 3 or 4 days. Well I'm done. Bye
-Erika

Beep...beep...and you're gone :sad:

2004-12-03T18:56:29Z

UGH, so bad news last night. It's just starting to hit me. Tj [aww Tj] was supposed to come over this weekend to help with Lecia's room and help move the furniture from Bethany's house to our house. Last night Bethany called and told Lecia that he couldn't come anymore cuz he has to go to the hospital!!
Monday or Tuesday he was at home, and he was walking around the house. He looked in the mirror and saw like a black line down his face, a vein I suppose, and he passed out. He's been going to a lot of doctors but none of them know what's going on. That's a pattern with things that happen to him. I mean, we pay so much money for doctors to know what happens to people, not to sit there and say:
I have no idea why your 16 year old brother passed out.
He has to take some brain tests this weekend. OH Lord, I pray that he's ok. If anyone has ever heard me talk about Tj, you hear the abnormal excitement in my voice just when I say his name, and the estatic look on my face. I never get to see him anymore, and I've missed him so much, what happens if he were gone for good? I started crying a little in 5th period thinking about it, and I'm keeping the tears from streaming down my face right now. I mean, they're right there, like a waterfall, just waiting to flow down.
I can't lose him, he's...Tj.

IT's EasiER 2 rUn than 2 fAce this ~paiN~ heRRe aLL aLone

2004-12-02T19:13:41Z

Hey hey.
Youth Group last night=
It wasn't as fun as usual. I dunno, Bethany and Lecia were acting stupid before hand, and yeah. They did a skit about regrets. It was: Catherine, Micheal :happy:, Tiffany, Kim, and some people I don't know. haha, Micheal's cute, but anyways. It was cool. Then Tiffany came up and she did the lesson for the night. For some reason I can't remember what it was about right now, but she did a good job, it was cool. For music this week Catherine sang, go her, this other girl sang, she rocks, and there was a duet. The guy was hogging the song, the girl never got to sing by herself, she was like back up :sad:...aww I wanted to hear her sing.
As usual small groups are the best part. I wish we could stay in there longer cuz everyone is cool. Well, I don't like Megan, but oh well, not a huge deal. I feel like Bethany is kind of making a mochary of the entire privelage. She doesn't believe in God, she's even gone as far to say she hates Him, and if I'm not mistaken, "the devil is cool". Really I think she says bs like that to prove that she's "goth" but it's all so stupid. She tried to disturb me while we were praying yesterday. She started pinching me and trying to talk to me. I mean, if she doesn't believe in God, that's on her, but she doesn't need to pester me because I do, and youth group means something more to me than getting out of the house.