| Yeah...right. |
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| 07:33pm 28/07/2006 |
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mood:  crappy music: The Used
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Things have really sucked lately. Nothing has been good, and even if it was, how I feel won't allow me to notice it. I feel so trapped, but I also feel excluded and unwanted from just about everyone around me. No one cares...no one cares. I need out, but I have no where to go. I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone to turn to. Things just keep building up and I've grown weak. These things are breaking me down and I'm crumbling apart; and no one cares.
All I do lately is cry. I was out of it for like a day and a half after I finally talked to someone, Suzi, but he brought me back under it. I was working diligently on all my summer assignments, being normal, not constantly being sad. That was until he started screaming at me and grabbed me and threw me out of my chair. I ran downstairs, and tears just streamed from my eyes. From frustration, from anger... I wanted to slam doors and cuss and scream. I actually kinda hit him when he grabbed me. I sat balled up in a corner for about an hour and no one cared to notice. I condisered running up to my room, grabbing a few things, and leaving. Then I realized I have no one to call, and no where to go. What a great realization... I heard myself whispering, "I'm all alone, no one loves me..." Then I remembered, God loves me. I started praying and I felt a little better. I definately calmed down, wasn't as hysterical.
I keep begging Him to show me what I'm supposed to do, where am I supposed to go? I've been trying to make Him proud of me, and I just keep getting hurt by everyone. I guess I can't really give up, my trials will soon lessen and all will be ok. I just pray that it happens soon.
The only one I have is someone whom I've never seen.
I cry too many tears,
I'm way too sad,
All this pain and heartbreak is due
to the lack of a better dad |
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| La Plata here I come??? |
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| 02:22pm 25/09/2005 |
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So I'm beyond excited about La Plata but I'm trying to hide it and actually not feel it at all. Last night I couldn't sleep cuz it's just like, it's going to happen, I'm actually going to get to leave. I'm changing schools and leaving soccer, and everyone behind... But today it's like...it's not going to happen. My parents won't work out the tuition payments. And I mean, for awhile I felt guilty cuz I'm asking my mom to work another job and/or for her to do something with my dad that she doesn't want to. Who am I to ask that of her? But I don't know what to think, because what about my situation? And if she can do that for Alecia, why not for me? Maybe I shouldn't have ever said anything, and then I wouldn't be so set up for disappointment. I'm so worried that I'm not going to get to go and I'll be stuck at Oxon Hill; I pray to God that that doesn't happen. But what can I do? I don't know...
I can't really talk to anyone about this cuz I've only told Brian and not only has he been kinda distant and whatnot lately, but I know he's not happy about it anyways. I don't want to force him to pretend to be happy for me and try to help me out with all of it... I'm kinda scared to tell Nesa and Alondra, I know they're not going to be happy. Nesa I think will be better about it than Alondra cuz Alondra refuses to accept my reasons for needing/wanting to leave. I know Nesa won't be happy, but I think she understands. I have to tell Shannon and Suzi and some other people...Carpenter.
Last night I was thinking about my would/to-be last day at OHHS. Saying bye to all of my teachers, long hugs in the hallways, how I wasn't going to return my soccer uniform cuz I don't want to let it go, probably crying, cleaning out my locker, and saying bye to Oxon Hill and all it's bs for good. And while that all seems kinda sad, it's a relief. I don't want to leave all my friends, my soccer team and Carpenter and Adkins...but I mean...I need to, and Charles County is providing me that opportunity for things to be better. If I get to go I'll post my letter that I sent to them on my xanga so maybe everyone who's upset with me can come to understand.
I tried to talk to my mom but she kinda refused. I asked her if her and my dad had spoken about it, she said no. Then I asked if they were going to and she said, "I can't answer that Erika." I just don't understand. And what do I do when I'm told I can't go? I won't be able to just accept it, I know I won't. And it's a scary thought that I'll be told I can't go. I mean, if I cried in relief, I'm going to sob in disappointment.
I just want someone to have atleast AN ANSWER, and I just want someone to hold me and reassure me that everything will be alright. Actually they don't even have to talk, just someone hold me...let me know that someone cares. Someone....
ANYONE.... |
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| Soccer blues.... |
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| 10:49pm 23/09/2005 |
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I don't like that I'm constantly considering quitting soccer. Today was yet another of these days, and it's kind of funny cuz we won a game for the first time this season.
I dunno, Alondra got to me. She's constantly getting "Hail Alondra" blah blah blah, and today I dunno, but she switched to stopper and went all overlapping into my position, not even playing hers cuz she wanted to do more. Then she got to go to center mid where the vets can actaully be productive vs. just keeping the team together, so the hailing failed to cease.
I'm sick and tired of never getting credit. I mean, am I crazy, just imagining all this stuff that I do? I dunno, I must be. But like, whatever, I'll just do what I'm said to do. Jp, you wanna call me a "ball watcher", I'll be a darn ball watcher at the Roosevelt game. Wanna call me lazy? I'll be lazy. You're gosh darn insane if you call me a lazy player. I run my butt off every game and practice and I do so with conviction and productivity.
The refs got to me today as well. They were straight up cheating, they might of as well plastered it on their foreheads. I mean, Suitland didn't have a single call made against them today, and they had hand balls, fouls like no other, high kicks, and so on. I mean, one girl all but picked the ball off the ground. It hit my elbow and I got called. Then I mean extended elbows, and man, if I wouldn't have done what I did at the end of the game I woulda gotten sandwiched. I mean, I didn't even notice, but I had to go cover cuz Nesa, Alondra and Elisha all went out of their positions so I had to go get the ball. And right after I ran past one girl, I see two chicks on the ground. I was so confused. They had run into eachother...What if I had gotten caught in that? And I got kicked in the back of my upper-leg TWICE! That's never happened before. Not to mention a chick knocked me down at the beginning of the game. My butt still hurts.
------------------------------------
Antonio Johnson was there it WAS cool to see him; I went to middle school with him. I dunno why, but Shannon see's how pissed off I am during and after the game, but as we're walking off the feild from our first win, she comes over: "Erika, that boy you were talking to, you should have heard him. He said, 'That big white girl in the back, I went to middle school with her and Vanesa Hernandez. Erika was as big then as she is now." Big white girl? Omg, one I don't know why she said that, especially laughing. I think most people knew about my issues before, and if you don't I don't really care to say... But that made me feel so bad. I've lost so much weight since middle school, and I look different, I am a different person to a degree. That on top of the suckiness of the game which was won but horribly played, man...silence the bus ride home.
I couldn't bring myself to eat anything tonight...I just couldn't. And I was really hungry too, all I ate all day was a granola bar and some of those cheese crackers with peanut butter. I've dropped 2 pants sizes since the last time he saw me [last year!] and I mean...c'mon. Why would you say something like that, and why would you tell me that?
I guess I do need to lose weight then. I'll just make sure I do tae-bo on the weekends, and maybe after a few practices. I don't know if I'll be able to though; I'm already freakishly sore all over.
---------HOWEVER---------------
On the ride home my dad told me that I've been accepted to La Plata and I might get to start there next quarter. Honestly...I cried in happiness and relief. I couldn't believe it. |
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| Can I go now? |
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| 04:24pm 22/07/2005 |
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mood: lonely music: The Used
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I don't want to be here. I feel myself pulling away from everyone and everything, and I don't really care. |
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| Oh so tired... |
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| 12:06am 17/07/2005 |
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mood: go away music: The Used
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So soccer camp was awesome. I just realized today that the soccer element isn't the only reason I loved it so much. I mean, solely focusing on soccer for 5 days, that's insane, I loved it. But also, it was an escape from all this crap that's going on. Stuff at home isn't that great. Don't know if it's been worse before. I'm trying so hard to get along with my dad, but it's not working. He seems to like yelling, and cussing, and arguing, and making me cry. I was driving us to Waldorf today and he randomly starts just yelling and cussing at me. I took it, I can't believe it, but I just sat there and took it. I almost turned around though, but I figured he'd start yelling more, so I just sucked it up. I think he saw that I started crying when I was trying to drive, and he didn't do anything. I don't know what the hell his problem is.
What am I supposed to do? I'm giving the effort, I'm trying so hard. Why isn't it working?
"I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not"
Not to mention there's a huge thing with my mom. What do I have at home? It's so messed up, I'm ready to get out. Going to college isn't going to be as hard for me as I thought before. I just don't want to deal with their bs anymore. If they come up asking me questions to be the tie breaker of their stupid fight one more time, I swear Ima kirk! "You two need to grow the hell up!" I need to get out, I need to stay out.
I want to go back to camp. It wasn't long enough. I feel totally lazy right now, so disgusting. haha, I feel disgusting now, how funny considering I was running around for a few days just reaking, my shirts being sweated thru, lol [we all were]. I miss soccer, I miss my teammates from the camp, I miss all the people, I miss waking up at 7:00 in the morning to go meet my cafe crew: Jenna, Cat, and Franny [not to mention Bethany my roommate], I miss how my abs hurt taking the mile long walk to the field, I miss being totally exhausted at the end of the day, I miss the warm water I had to drink, I miss how vital Gatorade was, I miss my fruit salad at every meal, I miss that grumpy card-swiper lady, I miss my room key, I miss not having to wear normal clothes, I miss being strictly a soccer chick, I miss walking around in my sandals, soccer shorts, and a white tee, I miss it all; I wish it weren't over. I miss the simplicity...
It was my escape and I didn't even realize it. Music has begun to lose it's meaning to me, it's no longer comforting. Wow, what an unbelievable thought. I can't wait til I'm driving, I can't wait to get my job...I can't wait til soccer starts, I can't wait til I buy my car, I can't wait til all this is behind me. I think I'm almost ready to grow up. |
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| 02:13pm 06/07/2005 |
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mood: indescribable music: Matchbook Romance
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This is the first time when the only person I can turn to is God. I've never felt that before, and while it's scary, I guess that's the light in my dark day. |
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| 11:55pm 24/05/2005 |
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Things aren't ok, but I don't know what to say. I couldn't even tell you what isn't ok. |
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| Why is she the favorite? |
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| 10:40pm 01/05/2005 |
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mood: crushed music: Matchbook Romance
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I don't understand. Someone please penetrate my "stupidity" and explain this to me.
Why is Alecia the favored one? She's so friggin spoiled, "dad" doesn't mess with her, she can be a total [I won't even say] and he just gets annoyed, you pay for her school where she goofs off, you buy her clothes, you gave her a tv, she gets what she wants on a whim.
I've been buying a ridiculous majority of all of my own clothes since 7th grade. If I didn't have the money, it didn't matter to you, that just meant no new clothes, no new things. All she says is she has no money and you go and spend $200 time after time again on her. It'd take atleast a year to calculate you spending $200 on things for me.
She's sad, the world is over. You see how hurt I am and you walk away. You can yell at me, but Lecia does no wrong. It didn't matter when she got a D on her report card, but I was shunned for a week when I got my first C. She doesn't even get a 3.0 when she's barely scrapping by on that, and it doesn't matter. I drop to a 3.29 and everything is quetioned.
You begin paying for her school and you're all over her school work, telling her how proud you are, helping her study.
You were always too busy to help me, never showed much interest in how I did as long as it met expectations. When it didn't meet your standards I'd get in trouble, but wasn't given any assistance.
You didn't care when you knew for months that I wasn't eating. You saw that I was losing weight because I wasn't eating, and you encouraged it a little.
You actually have the nerve to call me stupid all the time, I don't understand this.
Why on earth do you both tell me how I know nothing because I'm not old enough, that money doesn't grow on trees, that you don't always get what you want!!?? I'm one person who definately doesn't need to hear that BS! I know the value of money, I worked for almost 8 months while playing two varsity sports and maintaining an honor roll GPA while dealing with all your shit! Don't always get what we want? I want parents who are there for me, I want people to care, I want you to recognize and be thankful for the lack of things I ask you for because I know that you have a hard enough time as it is. You should be thankful for me, a 15 year old putting up with a bunch of crap from your husband, and then being your shrink as you cry in your depression because you don't know what to do. Be thankful that I take care of things when you can't. Be thankful that I take care of you when you're broken, that I've stepped into a role way beyond that of an average person my age. That I bring so much pressure and stress on myself for your benefit. That the main reason I got a job was to support you when you told me you'd leave him if you had financial support. That I ask for little to nothing other than some attention and love, and I don't whine when I don't get it. That I ask for more responsibility and don't go and find my own way to get what I want. That I don't smoke and drink, that I don't steal cars, that I don't go off and drive on my own illegally. All that crap you did! But it's different? Things seem pretty simular.
Let's see, the favored child is so spoiled, you get attacked by one of the parents, and sometimes both, you had to take care of yourself, you weren't appreciated for any of your efforts. But let's talk about the differences. You stole things, you drove illegally for 5 years taking other people's cars, you smoke, you cursed so much. You didn't get a job as soon as you turned 15 so that you had no free time, and as soon as your 18 hour working weekend was over, you were so overwhelmed that you felt cramped, crowded, exhausted, and after all that you didn't have to come "home" to a bunch of BS you call a family, a home. You didn't go to school, have 2 hour practices everyday, then work all weekend, wake up at 6 am, go to bed at 12 am so you could finish your work.
You think you had it bad, you don't even realize that you're putting me into your position, but you did things to deserve the mistrust, I DIDN'T!
What the hell do you want me to do?? I've tried having a 4.0, that didn't work, getting a job was a hassle for you, playing sports, having good friends, asking for so little, not being like the typical person my age.
Why is everything I do inadequate for someone? I'm asking this of so many things and people: What do I have to do? |
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| Hey you smokin up your sorrow, just pointing fingers @ some1 2 blame |
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| 02:06pm 25/04/2005 |
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So, chances are you've heard me talk about Jon. I feel so silly talking about him, but I can't really help it, cuz I can't help but to think of him. Right now, as confirmed a few times a day, we're just friends. I'm definately hoping that things develop to be more.
"I feel safe with you, I can be myself tonight, It's alright with you, Cuz you hold my secrets tight, You do"
I dunno, I'm definately excited by the prospect, but kinda scared that it's not gonna happen. Cuz I'm already putting so much on this, what if nothing comes of it?? Of course I'll be fine, I'm always ok. I'll just be a little broken.
**Pick me up because I'm falling for you...**
Right now, it seems that what I'm hoping for is pretty realistic, but you never know. Maybe I'm losing my mind and I'm just seeing what I want to see, thinking what I want to think. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
On another note...I'm completely bombing chemistry. Dude, math and science so aren't my areas, and hey, I'm basically in a math and science program. We got back 3 tests/quizzes today, didn't do hot on a single one. I failed each of them. My highest grade was a 50%! And while my failing cannot be excused nor justified, she's a terrible teacher, and she just confuses me, add in my lack of interest in science and you have a combination destined to barely get me a C, like last quarter. That's not good. I plan on doing some crucial studying tonight. Getting myself together. Whether it actually happens is even unknown to me. I need to study Chem, Alg2Trig, and for my World History test that I'm not even going to take tomorrow, but I need to study this because it's boring thus I don't remember much of it right now. I really thought that I was going to be getting great grades this year, I thought that I had a new found interest in school, and that my study/work habits were going to improve. Well, my work habits weren't bad last year, I didn't study, and I had poor attendance. This year my work habits are questionable, I study a little more, and I have better attendance.
Grades like I have with the lack of motivation that I currently have are not going to get me where I want to go. I want to go to University of Maine, I want to play soccer for their team, I want to live in a dorm and have an awesome experience. I don't want to rely on my parents for tuition, but I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. I DEFINATELY DON'T WANT TO SETTLE!!! So I need to get my act together, I just wish I would have had this revelation earlier in the year before I really started screwing up my GPA. Right now it's probably low 3.4s, high 3.3s. Without awesome grades next year, I won't get it up to 3.5 so I can be invited into National Honor Society, and even though I still don't get the point of it, it looks good on a college application.
Well time to go, au revoir! |
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| For an AMAZING friend of mine... |
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| 10:35pm 22/04/2005 |
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I just had a great night with the one and only Agnes. We went to church, for something that suprised us both, but I enjoyed a lot. Lots of laughing, and it was just great. I'm truely happy to say that I got to share my first church experience with her.
But dude, I just got home, and the first thing I do is hug my mom and start crying. She asks what's wrong and it takes me a minute but I tell her: I'm just really going to miss Agnes.
Girl, you are by far one of the best friends I have, and one of the best people I've ever met, and I can easily say that I am truely blessed to have met you. Like I told you in that letter, I really do look up to you, and no one could ask for a better role model. You are one of the few who have truely helped me in deveolping my faith, and for that, I am eternally greatful. You're always there to listen to me, and you always have the warm smile to help me out even when you're not having the best day yourself. I'm really comfortable around you, and I can't imagine next year without you.
You're going to have a great time at Towson, and since I should be driving, I definately plan on visiting you sometime. Of the many times I've told people to keep in touch, I truely mean it with you, because in life, God only gives us so many true friends, and you're one that He gave me, and I'll never forget you.
haha, as you were driving me home tonight I told you how change isn't my friend, here's a good example. I like how things are now, but I know things will only continue to get better for you, and I wish you all the best.
I hope that one day I can be as friendly as you, as loved as you, as faithful as you, as talented as you, and as smart as you.
Love your friend,
Erika |
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| I AM... |
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| 11:10pm 04/04/2005 |
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mood: indescribable music: Destiny's Child
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*tired of being alone
*tired of feeling lonely
*tired of having no one to talk to
*tired of no one being around
*tired of stupid judgements/comments
*tired of not beging good enough
~striving to bring up my grades...for me
~striving to get better at softball...for me and my teammates
~striving to not be so pressed over a particular person
~striving to have someone to spend my time being pressed over
~striving to always remember the good, but not forget the bad...but overall...to continue to grow
~*~I want to be able to move onto the future, and release my death grip on the past. |
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| softball...today, AHH |
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| 02:12pm 04/03/2005 |
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mood:  bouncy music: Ryan Cabrera
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Last day of tryouts...Will I make the cut?? Hmm, sure do hope so. It hasn't been very hard, I really thought I'd be run to my death this week, but, my predictions have been proved false. Hopefully it'll get intense next week, cuz we have a game coming up, and I certainly don't want to go out there and embarrass my school. Also I like pushing my limits, cuz they're no where close to where I seem to think they are. I've been pushed there and past my limits, and yeah I might be sore for two weeks [lol] and barely be able to walk into the house afterwards, but once all that's over...it's all sunshine! So yeah...it's a pretty day, hopefully it'll warm up a little more, and it'd be close to perfect. I'm out!
-Erika
~leaves with dreams of another varsity team...~ |
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| aww |
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| 02:52pm 01/03/2005 |
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mood: depressed
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david called me fat :sad: |
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| ::eye roll:: |
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| 12:28pm 12/02/2005 |
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mood:  confused music: Matchbook Romance
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Reading over what I just wrote a few days ago, and remembering how I thought things were, I feel like such a fool.
I hope that you don't deny the truth and come out clean, otherwise...I'm not sure if we can be friends anymore.
Forget you! |
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| You make me wanna LaLa |
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| 02:01pm 10/02/2005 |
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mood:  flirty music: Ashlee Simpson!!
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Softball was fun yesterday. Not looking forward to caterpillars and running up that steep hill, but I am looking forward to using my glove.
*~*I miss you when you're not around because I know that if no one else, that you can brighten up my day. When you are here, I just want to move closer, and stay there.*~*
This seems too serious, and like too much, however it's true.
My impatience is annoying...ugh. |
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| $$$ |
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| 06:49pm 09/02/2005 |
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mood: sad music: The Ataris
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I was just talking to Agnes about this earlier, and of course it comes up later. Why on earth is money so important? I just don't understand. With my parents, if the issue of money comes up, you can easily see my frustration. They just waste their money and didn't even think ahead. In the car tonight I'm talking to my mom, how I should be driving in September, and asking, will I be paying for everything on my own? And she finds the thought of me having a car is ridiculous. Whatever. She gets so pissed off when I ask her to take me somewhere, and makes me feel horrible asking her to take 15 minutes out of her day, 3 times a week, to pick up her terrible, bratty daughter from either soccer or softball practice. I mean somebody shoot me! I don't belong on this earth, I'm so terrible!!! Then I suggest, how about you and dad each lay aside $20 a month into a bank account to help me with my car and college? "Why do you think I'm made of money Erika?"
"I think you're made of money? Is that why I got my own job and buy most of my own stuff, is that why you've been better off without having to take care of me, is that why I don't ask you to buy me things?? ...I need to stop there."
If neither of you are made of money, how are you able to waste all that money on shit as stupid as cigarettes!???? How does dad buy a 4 wheeler, a trailor, LAND in LaPlata, a snow plow for his 4 wheeler, and a car port??? How do we have 2 expensive cars, and another one, when one of the nice ones aren't even driven? How do we have a pool? How do we have property? How do we have that nice boat? How are you going to Cancun????
But I'm such a hassle. I mean...I go to school 5 days a week, have 3 days of practice, and work on the weekends. Rarely do anything for myself. I have this job cuz of my mom. She led me to believe that she'd leave my dad if she had some financial support. So I got a job, and nothing has happened. Neither of you planned ahead, you didn't do anything! Instead your 15 year old daughter already has a job, and she's still gonna be stuck with no way to get around, two lazy parents who don't care about her, and no way to go to college.
Now I'm upset. This bs always hurts. It's just so hard for me to realize that my PARENTS don't care enough about me to do this vital stuff for me.... |
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| And just a few days away is... |
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| 02:13pm 09/02/2005 |
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mood:  yummy music: none =[
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Valentine's day is quickly approaching. It's all good, but a little sad. I want one of those teddy bears that I saw in WalMart, or a rose. Aww I love roses and teddy bears. But really it's not about that, I want someone who cares, I miss it. I figure it's worth waiting, but I still wish that it were sooner instead of later. Valentine's Day makes me think of Bethany and Chris. I miss him :sad:, he rocked.
I want to have a Valentine for the first time ever, but oh well...it's all good. I'm good.
->I'm like so freaking out cuz it's so quiet. My cd player died, and there's no sound on my computer, and no one to talk to. Aww
I have softball today, and like I so don't wanna go. It wasn't fun like soccer is. I loved playing yesterday. It was all pretty outside, and I just love soccer :heart: :smile:. I pray that I never have a bad experience with soccer again, I love it too much.
**-**You know who this is to.
I need you to make up your mind, but if it takes more time for things to go my way I'll wait. Don't wanna rush you, I know it sux. Just...yeah, I'll talk to you later, and I'm not bringing it up, I don't wanna feel like I'm annoying you.
-Erika |
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| In an Ashlee Simpson mood :happiness: |
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| 01:50pm 07/02/2005 |
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mood: chipper music: Ashlee Simpson
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dude read these lyrics
they're here for a reason
Undiscovered
Ashlee Simpson
Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips
You miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave
Excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder: I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
Touch me now, how I wanna feel something so real
Please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing
I'm suffocating without you
Do you feel it too?
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder: I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door
It's then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder: I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
Yeah I need you
Cuz I can't fake
And I can't hate
But it's my heart that's about to break
You're all I need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I brethe out
I want you
There's no doubt
I freak out
I'm left out
Without you, I'm without
I'm crossed out
I'm kicked out
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Lyrics that must be mentioned:
~All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder: I need you
~Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing
I'm suffocating without you
Do you feel it too?
~When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door
It's then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone
~~and everything from that point on
What this song means???
This is a story of a girl who lost the guy she loved; but things aren't over. The feelings are still there, and definately the memories. She misses the guy so much, and whether or not it's over for him, there's someone else, or he's scared of what could happen...it's just sad. I dunno. I love this song.
"Don't walk away" speaks to me
"I want you, there's no doubt" & "Without you, I'm without"...
There's a reason I put lyrics on my sites people. You all know the story, make the connection. |
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| Hey hey |
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| 02:22pm 04/02/2005 |
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mood: bouncy music: Ashlee Simpson
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Hey. So I haven't written in awhile. Now there's definately stuff to write about, but the person it's about reads this from time to time, and if they read it before I speak to them, they'll be hurt. I'll just leave it at this:
~Your indecisivness is gonna tear me apart.~
But yeah, soon the countdown until the Ashlee Simpson concert will be starting. With her season 2 premiering last week I'm even more excited, especially after seeing her perform a few times last night. I can't wait. I just gotta figure out how I'm getting there and who's coming with me. lol, If I hafta I'll go alone and take the bus, in fact, dude, I'd walk. I'm gonna hafta like miss most of school that day cuz I wanna get there early for the chance of maybe meeting her. People ask me why I like her, and I mean, her music rocks, and she's just totally cool and real. She's like any average person walking down the street, with a killer sense of style, and she's so funny. Then she goes with Ryan Cabrera, cool points to both of them, cuz they're both so cool.
"Here, here I am again
and I'm starin at these same four walls
Alone again
And now, all the colors blend
And I'm growing up
And I've become this empty page
Hold on it's tragic
Stumbling through all this static
I just wanna talk to you
My broken heart just has no use
I guess promises are better left unsaid [yeah]
But everytime you try to tell me
YOu say the words that I'm the only
But I"m the one that's crawling on the ground
When you say 'Love Makes The World Go Round" |
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| Why Don't You Love ME? |
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| 05:12pm 16/01/2005 |
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mood: lonely music: The Ataris
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I really don't understand. It wasn't even him this time, in fact, it was her. She actually said:"NO I don't love you, I don't love you, I don't even like you!!!"
->I think my mom has said that to me before, and even though it was always a joking matter, you don't joke about things like that.
This time it just hurt so bad.
I was tryin to hug her cuz she was being grumpy and she was like hitting me, but I wanted her to chill out so I kept trying to hug her. And she's like: "Why won't you leave me alone?" And I reply: "Because you love me" and then...yeah.
My smile just dropped and I turned around cuz at first I laughed, but then it just crashed on me...I went back to my room, curled up as tight as I could, and sat there just like...whoa. Bethany came in asking what happened, and I couldn't speak. Then she was like: "Your mom hurt your feelings?" And I mutter a yes, but I couldn't explain to her what it was that hurt. She walked out and tears just streamed down my face, and my mom...she never said a word.
You see...my first reaction is to say it's ok cuz she was joking. But then a minute after that thought passes through my mind, I don't believe it.
What can I say??? It just...hurts |
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